Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It had been some time since I'd really thought about my thyroid cancer. It had been so long, in fact, that I had stopped worrying about regular screenings until a few weeks ago. I went to my regular thyroid appointment, all ready to talk lab work and the usual blah blah blah. I'd even had Lane come along with me for the ride. He sat dutifully in the corner while my doc pulled out the blood work.

"Your tumor marker is elevated. Let's do an ultrasound."

*Whips head around. Excuse me, whaaa?

*Sound of tires screeching to a halt.

Still not quite soaking it in, I hopped up on the table as she dimmed the lights and slid the wand across my neck.

"That spot we were looking at last time measures a little bigger. Oh, and there's a new one right next to it. Let's schedule a full body scan and, if the scan lights up, go ahead and do radiation treatment immediately after."

*Sound of record player scratching to silence.

The flood was coming and I couldn't stop it. I burst into tears with Lane looking on (and starting to freak out on me). Not because we are considering a cancer recurrence, mind you, but because treatment sucks rocks. My mind flooded to surgeries and radiation that wrecked my health in so many ways. To the crazy debacle that was my radiation treatment where I had to go into seclusion for 5 days when Lane was just a baby. To the surgeries that left me with a super cool Franken-neck. To the low-iodine diet that must be carried out to the 'T' in preparation for testing. To the blood work. And the blood work. And the blood work.

Here we go again.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I left with my mind wandering out of control. I think I knew this day would come, but denial can be pretty sweet, amiright? Not long after though, I gathered my thoughts enough to realize I had a choice in the matter. Last time I was a scared new mom who did what she was told without thinking twice. I know my docs have what's best in mind, but I'm glad the fear doesn't have quite the hold it used to.

I can't do radiation again. I just can't. Surgery, maybe. Sometimes I wish I could go back and start over. Maybe my treatment would have looked different. Maybe it wouldn't have. I don't know. I do know that I'm a little more armed this time. Armed with years of dealing with this disease and the effects. Armed with years of trying to treat my son's health issues. Armed with God's protection from the fear I used to feel.

So here I sit with a steaming cup of my low-iodine coffee (yup, started that diet yesterday. Ugh.) in preparation for the three day testing scheduled in two weeks. Immediately after we have Rowen's nurse coming for his third in-home infusion for his PANDAS/PANS. So you might say we have a few things going on.

I feel like we are just a hot mess over here at times. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and say forget it. It's too much. I also know that gets me nowhere, so I get back up and keep going. Don't we all? At least, I hope we do. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. The scan might not show anything, so that's where I'll ask for prayers. Let's hope nothing lights up. Let's also hope I get through this stupid diet because I'm gonna miss my chocolate like you wouldn't believe.

Love me some chocolate. Sigh.

And I guess this coffee's not so bad.