Surgery. Check.
Radiation. Check.
Surgery again. Check.
CT scan. Sonogram. CT scan again. Blood work. Blood work. Blood work. Check. Check. Check.
Ever since my diagnosis in 2011, I followed doctor's orders to the umpteenth degree to get rid of my thyroid cancer. Side note: my insurance company must love me. With every visit I'd ask the same questions. How's it lookin', doc? Did we get it? Is it gone? After awhile though, I noticed a disturbing trend. No one would ever give me the all clear. Instead I'd get, "Your numbers are looking better," or "We aren't seeing much on your scans."
Sounds kind of nice, but not quite the total obliteration I was looking for.
About 6 months ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that it may just be something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I'm sure there are people out there that have the all clear, but my experience seems to be that it will nickel and dime me forever. My recent visit to my doctor went something like this:
Doc (running his fingers across my neck): "Hmm, is that tender?"
Me: "Nope."
Doc: "Have you been sick lately?"
Me: "Nuh-uh."
Doc: "Hmm, well this could just be a muscle I'm feeling. It's probably nothing. By the way, we need to schedule your sonogram, don't we? Oh and that nodule in your lung, let's make sure we get that checked too."
Subtle, doc.
My latest reminder that I still don't get to increase my life insurance because no one can say I'm cancer free. I will say that my CT scan revealed no changes in my lung, but stay tuned for the sonogram that will check out that "muscle" in my neck. Super pumped for that one.
Speaking of pumped, I worry about how my boys aren't faring with this. Don't get me wrong, they seem fine and dandy for the most part. I do think that having a mom that often drags them the doctor for her cancer screenings isn't the best part of life. A few weeks ago while drawing labs I passed out. My boys were with me and I know it scared the crud out of them. I vaguely remember my youngest telling the nurse over and over "I don't like this!" He also went with me to my CT scan and didn't want to touch me after because the machine said "radiation" on it. It makes me sad for them.
I really can't complain though. I don't really think about it a whole lot. I do have to manage my thyroid-less, autoimmune disordered life which isn't a walk in the park.
No gluten. Check.
No dairy. Check.
No soy. Mostly Check (THIS is the one I cheat on?!?)
Medicine dependent. Check.
Still feel like crap. Check.
So here's to living without the all clear, but still being grateful. I'm just sad my insurance company can't say the same.
