I Think My Doc Lied to Me

I think my doc may have lied to me.

My optimism has waned a bit. After my CT scan to show whether I had any spread to the lungs, I got a cheerful 30-second call from my someone at my doctor's office that said "He wanted you to know the scan was clear except for the cancer nodules we already knew were in your neck."

Call me crazy, but I think that was a lie.

Fast forward to my actual doc appointment where he goes over the results.

"Just an FYI, the scan showed several spots in your lungs. One was big enough that the radiologist thought I should point it out to you. Don't worry about it though. It happens all the time."

Don't worry about it? Huh? What just happened here?

While he assures me there are several benign reasons I could have spots in my lungs, it's still a hard pill to swallow given I have had cancer in my body for at least 7 years and it has already taken it upon itself to spread. Just for kicks, it may have thought my lungs was a good resting place. Call me crazy again, but now I am a little more concerned. I could deal with the nodules in my neck, even though my doc has reminded me that someone with thyroid cancer typically has several surgeries before calling it quits and I am only at lucky number one. That kind of blows too.

So despite my honing in on the lung issue, I think my doc is distracting me. He said we will deal with that after the surgery for the neck nodules. I feel like he is holding a shiny toy in front of my face while telling me to keep my eyes forward. Except that this toy isn't so shiny. And the distraction isn't working.

I was talking to a friend today who is also going through this cancer crap and he said he feels like he is going crazy at times too. Every symptom is another sign that God is calling him home. I am not really afraid of dying, but I found myself praying last night that I could just live long enough to see my kids grow into adulthood. Not even for me, but for them. I know I won't always be the cheese to their macaroni, but they don't need anything like that to happen to them.

I am also pretty let down by the cost of care. I switched docs recently to get a second opinion on the cancer train that was heading straight for radiation again. I didn't want that. I switched to OSU where the care is great, I am assured, but the cost is astronomical in comparison to what I am used to. For only part of my testing, I have racked up bills close to $25,000. I haven't even had treatment yet. Or met the surgeon. I didn't even get any anesthesia out of the deal. At least give me some of that.

So heads might be spinning at my extreme wavering between optimism and doubt. I guess that's the way it goes with cancer. We have come a long way, but we really haven't either.

I know I try to minimize what I am going through, because really in the end it truly isn't much compared to so many others. But I will step forward and ask for prayer here. I admit to being pretty unsettled about all of this. So if you would, keep us in mind as you kneel at the cross. I'll be there with you.